Leaders often don't realize that your Leadership is like a performance with you under the spotlight 24/7. There are few opportunities for mistakes. Your credibility is built or lost in moments whether you are exercising your emotional intelligence or not.
The critics who may also be your followers are demanding and have high expectations for you.
In each situation they are initially giving you the benefit of the doubt, that:
You spent time thinking about the situation at hand.
You know exactly what you want.
There is a clear purpose in all of your communications and actions.
You know what can be done or not done to add value.
You have all the answers.
These inferences are based on what you say, your behavior, and your non-verbals. As leaders, we know that many of these assumptions are false, but these are the expectations of your followers, at least initially. If these expectations are not met, then the opposite judgments are made quickly and then validated and revalidated.
Specifically:
You don't know what you are doing.
You don't have the answers.
You don't think anyone has any value.
You are not clear about where you, the team, or the organization is going.
You are not a leader who is credible and respected.
If you understand what a tight rope your daily leadership walks and what a fall can cost you, wouldn't you benefit from practicing and learning the moves better? Sure you would.
Leadership is a Dance
Thereare special steps to the leadership dance, but often they are not taught in organizations, business schools or graduate schools. There is a process to leadership, just like the other processes in your organization; the sale process, manufacturing process, quality assurance process.
In order to understand and define the most critical components of effective leadership. The Blanchard Companies launched a study in 2006, in which more than 1,400 leaders, managers and executives shared their views on the critical skills and common mistakes connected to leadership.
They found that the top three things leaders admitted they fail to do are:
82% of respondents stated they fail to provide appropriate feedback (praise, redirection)
81% said they fail to listen to or involve others in the process
76% said they fail to use a leadership style that is appropriate to the person, task, and situation (over-supervising of under-supervising)
Most leaders mimic what one of their bosses have done with them, sometimes successfully, sometimes not, or they simply wing it. Leadership has it's own beat and rhythm and a process to follow. If you don't follow the process, the quality of leadership suffers as does the team and, ultimately, the organization.
We know that in learning any new skill, like golf, tennis or dance, first you have to learn the right steps and then you need to practice it over and over.
Delegation, giving feedback, coaching, managing up and across, decision making and getting buy-in all have specific steps that leaders can learn.
In my work as an Executive Coach and Corporate trainer, I usually ask people how often they delegate in a day? Most say about 5 to 7 times a day. Then I ask about how often they provide feedback to their employees and they say 4 to 5 times a day. Two critical skills that leaders and managers do daily and yet most don't have any established system or process. So what are the steps on the floor to follow?
I have developed a step-by-step, proven process for these daily critical skills. The Leadership Keys and Leadership Keys iPhone App with videos answer the following questions:
How do you decide when to step in and out with direction for your employees?
How do you hold accountability?
What is the best way to give feedback?
How can you be very clear in your delegation?
How do you coach, empower, and when do you give advice?
What is best practice for making decisions and getting buy-in?
How can you manage up and across?
As a leader there is a process and clear steps to answer the above questions. When you practice, practice, practice, these steps become second nature, fluid and focused.
Thus the development of the Leadership Keys iPhone app. By having it available as a tool on the item you always have with you, your cell phone, you have immediate access to the steps to take. You have the power right in your hand to improve your leadership skills each day and make you a star performer who can lead your team to star performance.
Michael received his 360 degree feedback and looked at the summary page. What quickly jumped out to him on almost every competency was his scores for his leadership were higher than everyone else's scores of him. Embarrassed, he laughed and said, "I guess they don't see all the good things I am doing?" As his coach, I said, "Or possibly you are not doing the things to the extent you think you are?"
In a new study of 4,322 participants from 283 global clients, the Hay Group reported that, "participants with high Emotional Awareness display more of all the ESCI competencies at a strength level or top 10% level. These findings led to the assertion that Self-Awareness lies at the heart of Emotional Intelligence." What is Self-Awareness?
In the Goleman, Boyatzis, Hay Group EI model Emotional Self-Awareness is defined as a leader who recognizes feelings and how they affect them and their job performance. So it is identification of the emotions, implication of that emotion on your performance, which then gives the ability to manage or alter your actions.
In Gestalt therapy the old adage is "awareness equals responsibility." If you are aware of the emotion then now you are "able to respond or be responsible." Often we say in leadership trainings you have to "name it to tame it."
Why is it so hard to be Self Aware?
Our Self-Awareness has to be developed and practiced. David Rock reports that almost 50% of the time we are operating on automatic or not consciously aware of what we are doing. Also when our mind is just wandering we report not being as happy as when we are engaged in some outside activity versus inside mind wandering.
How can we be so mistaken on how we are coming off to others?
Intention and execution gap: We may have 100% intentions and only 50% effectiveness in carrying out our intentions.
Introspection illusion: Introspection feels as if we have uncovered out true intentions, when in reality we are making educated guesses about our intentions, many of which are unconscious.
Our thoughts are facts fallacy: Believing because you think something therefore it is true and don't check your assumptions with others and worse, act only on limited or skewed data.
Lack of feedback: In organizations there is a puacity of meaningful feedback that is candid, accurate and actionable.
Leaders don't ask for feedback: It is uncomfortable for leaders to ask for feedback about their performance from others.
Superiority illusion: We overestimate our strengths. We think we are more successful, interesting, attractive, and friendly than the average person. Tali Sharot reports 70% of leaders rank themselves in the top 50%.
Underestimation of negative impact on others: Leaders minimize their influence on others and usually don't hear about the times when people are upset with their actions or behaviors.
Our memory distorts reality: We create false attributions and stories about the facts of the situation.
Self Awareness Actions: Micro-initiatives create macro impacts. Doing just a few things differently can create a major change. As a result of his 360 degree feedback, Michael designed daily reminders or "awareness boosts" for himself. When he turns on his computer in the morning there is a reminder to stay positive and be aware of the impact of his words and actions. Then at 3:00 p.m. another reminder came up asking him if he acknowledged anyone yet. If not, he'd get up and find someone doing something good or right and emphasize that was what he wanted to see and reinforce repeating those actions. These micro-initiatives took about 5 minutes to do, but helped raise his awareness to complete the actions which would help him to be a top performer.
You snap angrily at a co-worker about a mistake on a document. You are overwhelmed at work with deadlines and burst into fear or tears.
Joe Wilson screams "you lie" to President Obama in his 2009 speech.
Serena Williams swears at a line judge in the 2009 US Open and loses the final to Kim Clisters.
Anne Kreamer in a recent Time Magazine article reports from the Emotional Incidents at Work Survey, that frustration is the most common emotion at work and 60% of workers have seen their boss get angry at someone at work in the last year.
We have all had the experience of doing something in the heat of the moment that we regretted later. Our reaction flew out of the gate before we could catch it. It's like our rational mind stopped and what came out not only surprised us but everyone else around. You end up saying,"How could I do that, what could I have possibly been thinking?"
Well, in reality you weren't thinking you were overwhelmed with an emotional reaction. Smart people acting stupid! Where did you IQ points go? Your IQ drains quickly like a cold beer on a hot day. It is like losing 10 to 15 IQ points temporarily, which explains "what was I thinking?" So you are thinking but with less capacity and brain power. You were hijacked!
In his most recent book, The Brain and Emotional Intelligence, Goleman states, "when hijacked we can't remember other things, we can't learn, we rely on over learned habits and we can't innovate or be flexible." Thus temporarily our IQ is minimized and it's why we end up saying "what was I thinking." The good news is that it is temporary and there are things you can do to keep yourself emotionally fit.
See below some things you can do to change and rewire your brain or in fancy terms "self-directed neuroplasticity." The mind changeswith conscious attention and focus. Neuroscientists say "neurons that fire together wire together." Your ability to recharge and recover from stress will prevent the next hijack from happening. How to Counteract IQ Drain with your EQ Gain? 1. Giveyour brain a recess.Think of young kids in school, when the bell rings for recess. They yell and scream with free time. Your mind needs a recess to wander in an unstructured manner. Often in this recess, an idea or solution may emerge regarding an issue you have been dealing with. That may mean taking some regular "hammock time" this summer with no agendas.
2. Turn off the TV or radioif you don't consciously want to get news or entertainment. This is so you don't burn critical brain resources by stimulating a fear response without knowing it. 3. Catch your default drains.The default for the brain is to think about yourself and your relationships. If this default mode lands on being self critical of your performance or some injustice done to you, you are draining brain resources without knowing it and setting up a hijack.
4. Clear the deck. Focus on something else for a while or talk to a friend who is positive to change your sense of overwhelm. Allow the prefrontal cortex and your working memory to recharge.
5. Seed your Unconscious.Give your unconscious instructions to work on an issue in the background as you focus on something else.
6. Consciously focus on a future endeavorthat you are excited about. The brain gets activated when anticipating a future goal or actions. This energy also starts pulling you toward this event or solution like a magnet.
7. Practice a mindfulness exercise.Focus on your breathing or really stay focused on what you are doing in the moment. Feel your body in space as you sit or move. Meditation, yoga, walking or a massage are ways to allow the prefrontal cortex to recharge and gain your IQ points back.
8. Plan and think about your summer vacation.Research shows that planning your summer vacation can help put you in a better mood. So it's an added vacation benefit without the gas price stress.
9. Aerobic exercise.Getting oxygen in your system with good rigorous exercise three times a week or more will help refresh your brain and your body.
10. Have fun, laugh and connect.Focus on what fun you can have by yourself or with others. Make someone laugh with playful teasing so you both smile. Think about truly telling someone how you feel about them when it is positive, it will lighten your day and theirs, and both of your brains.
Every boss I have dealt with has underestimated their influence over others, therefore they and their team(s)have underperformed. Is this you?
The reason is bosses are under the spotlight more than they ever think. Followers watch their every move and read into what they and don’t say and do and don’t do.
Usually the boss is unaware to the degree of scrutiny and depth of influence they have.
Some of the current research points the massive influence the boss has on their direct reports and team.
Boss Research
A boss has between 50-70% influence over the climate of the team
50% of your life satisfaction comes from relationship with your boss
75% of employees say dealing with their boss is most stressful part of their day
20 to 40% more heart attacks with bad bosses
66% of employees say they don’t see their boss enough
Only 21% of workers say they know how well they are doing
Your blood pressure goes up more when there is ambivalence and not knowing how are doing in your bosses eyes is anxiety producing
65% of American workforce as received NO praise or recognition in the last year
How to make your influence matter as a boss?
Stop, look and listen: Truly listen to your people and stay focused on what they are saying not your computer what your response is.
Make sure you have regular one on one meetings with people where you highlight the strengths you see in them.
Be very clear of your expectations that you have of them. Make sure when you delegate you check for their understanding of you want.
Praise progress on projects you see, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson says 3:1 positive to negative response is the ideal for an engaged and productive employee. Most organizations are more .8 to 1.
Jim Kouzes says are you leaving you people feeling more capable after every conversation as a development metric. One easy way to do that is to talk about their capabilities regularly.
Leadership Drip Method
The good news this is not a full time job but regular leadership dripping can keep your direct reports nurtured and growing. This is just like your watering drip method for you plants letting a little out each day. Don’t let your development efforts dry up and lose your optimal influence.
“There is really too much in this book. If you practiced on a regular basis just 10 of the 108 strategies presented in the book, you would be heads above your competition and miles closer to your goals. The trick is determining which 10 are best for you.” Dr. Relly Nadler, Psy.D. (2010)
“I read Leading with Emotional Intelligence and I was quite impressed. You did a great job presenting the material in a straightforward, credible way; more important, your process for building the EI competencies is both very practical and sensible. Nice job.” Bill Tredwell, Vice President, Hay Group, Inc.
“Relly Nadler, one of the world’s foremost executive coaches, provides the reader with detailed and easy-to-use practices to make you and your leaders superstars. One of the most valuable leadership books available!” Jeffrey E. Auerbach, Ph.D., President, College of Executive Coaching,
Author of Personal and Executive Coaching
“Nadler's Leading with Emotional Intelligence is a great way for both leaders and coaches to learn and grow. EI is powerful. It is an essential element for both business and coaching and when integrated with wellness, is a strong formula for success. Read this book, apply it and the positive effects for you and your firm will be the reward.” Cathy L. Greenberg, PhD
Co-Author of What Happy Companies Know
Managing Partner, h2c, LLC , Happy Companies, Healthy People
“If you’re looking for the plays and strategies to raise Emotional Intelligence, this is the handbook.” Jack Canfield, Co-creator, Chicken Soup for the Soul,
Co-author, The Success Principle ™
